I’m Buying A Calendar Today

This may sound silly but here it is March and I still don’t have a calendar. And I’m starting to find it hard to keep all the dates and a visual image of what last year’s appointment book looked like with those dates written in straight. So today I’m heading to Office Max to get myself this much needed, way past due time management tool.

I find it remarkable how a bunch of pages with time blocks and a few empty lines can make such a difference in how my time is spent. I’m so much less scattered, on top of things, and most of all relaxed when I have everything written down. More relaxed … isn’t that telling?

Yes, I like structure. I like organization. I like to know where I am supposed to be at any given time and I like to know when I can crash on the couch and vegetate (and for how long.)

How have I managed to live without my timekeeper for so long?

The big question now is — will I be able to even find one since it’s no longer prime calendar season? And perhaps even more important — will I get a discount since 2 1/2 months of the year are already gone?

Wishful thinking

Truer Words Never Spoken

I had to laugh when I read this quote:

There are so many things that we wish we had done yesterday, so few that we feel like doing today
~ Mignon McLaughlin

This is SO me! I’m perpetually in the “why didn’t I ___  when I had the chance” (fill in the blank – make that call, clean that bathroom, send out that birthday card …) mode and yet at the very same moment, I’m always able to find some wonderful excuse for not completing the task I was wishing I had already completed now that I have the time once again.

Whoa. That was quite a sentence, if you can even call it one. I’m not even sure it makes sense

The point is I’m always kicking myself for not making better use of my time when I have the chance to. However, no matter how sore by behind becomes, I seem to just keep flitting my time away with senseless or, perhaps better stated, non-productive tasks.

There must be a way to change my modus operandi and be more productive. I’m tired of looking back at my day and feeling as though I could have accomplished more if only I’d been more organized, inspired, motivated, energenic … whatever it was that was missing when the opportunity to be productive presented itself.

I did read a book quite a while ago called Following Through: A Revolutionary New Model For Finishing Whatever You Start. It was written by S. Levenson (although it now seems to be reprinted and available with co-author Pete Greider listed as the main author) and it was one of those books that just made sense. If you’re a procrastinator like me, I’m sure as you read through this book you’ll find yourself saying, “Yes, that’s exactly what I need to do.” And you might even find yourself incorporating some of the ideas that are shared in the book and make some real headway into becoming more productive and time efficient.

Yet, here I am looking at a quote that is ringing true very loudly and without end.

I think it’s time to bring out my EFT training and add this to my list of things to work on. If anything can help me to get to the root of why I behave the way I do, help me to stop the self-sabotage that seems to be impeding my progress, and pave the way to permanent change, it’s EFT.

I’ve already got a few things on my self-improvement list that I need to get to before I tackle this one but I thought I’d mention it (read that put it in writing so I can’t renege on it) while I was thinking about it. Especially since that quote crossed my path today! It must have some relevance for my life to have appeared when it did and to have caught my notice.

I’ll be blogging about my progress as I work on different self-improvement issues. And if I come up with any helpful resources along the way, I’ll be sure to pass those along as well.

I’m off to do … well, something.

It’s Only Tuesday …

This is already proving to be a long week. Each day so far (remember, it’s only Tuesday!) has brought with it challenges — the kind that test my ability to stay positive and believe that I’m exactly where I need to be at any given moment.

I’ve been seeing the “ugly” side of working with lots of different personalities (there’s a lot more back-stabbing, gossiping, and nastiness taking place than I ever realized and “CYA” definitely seems to be the most important job strategy being employed in this dog-eat-dog work environment.)

And the drama … between the employees I’ve been working with and the students I attend class with, there just doesn’t seem to be an end to the life problems that I’m being exposed to (stuff that sheltered little ‘ole me has only read about in newspaper reports of local trial proceedings.)

And today I also got to see with my own eyes what happens when you are an employee in the healthcare field and are accused of breaching patient confidentiality. Imagining what it must feel like to be called in to a meeting with the department supervisor and an HR rep to discuss the future of your employment is really beyond my ability. And it scares me to think how innocently it all happened (at least from the employee’s point of view who claimed that the complaint was all a huge misunderstanding and she never passed on the information that she was accused of passing on.)

Did I mention that I was also asked to come in and interview for a job this Thursday?

I question whether the meager paycheck is going to be worth the negative exposure and the stressful day-to-day concerns that will need to be constantly in the forefront of my thoughts. It scares the daylights out of me. And I honestly wonder if I am up to it, can handle it, or should even consider doing this kind of work. Is this what I want my life to be like?

At the same time, I know I need to work. I know I need to contribute to the household income. I know that I should feel totally honored to be invited to interview for a job that so many would be thrilled to have. Especially in this economy.

So what’s the problem?

It just doesn’t feel right. And I’m so tired of living a life that doesn’t feel right.

I need to find a way to believe that I know where I’m going and that it’s where I’m supposed to end up. I guess that’s what faith is.

And right now, I need some faith.

“Faith is not believing that God can. It is knowing that God will.”

I’m waiting.

Overcoming Perfectionism

I had a final exam today. The last one for the phlebotomy training program I’ve been taking for the past several weeks and, hopefully, the last one for a long time. I hereby declare that I’m officially sick of school and being a student.

The funny thing is I’m seeing a side of myself I haven ‘t seen before.  I’m realizing that there’s a part of me that is comfortable with not being perfect, that I don’t have to get A on every test. I saw a smidgen of this unique new quality right before the last exam but before that, this part of me was a complete stranger. Realizing that I don’t have to know every answer and be prepared for any possible question that might come up has become so … well … liberating!

I seem to finally be reconciled with the fact that it’s ok not to be perfect (perfectly imperfect my friend Sarah would say.) I’m feeling comfortable with it being just fine to “miss a few” and that it’s more than enough to be good enough.

And oh … I’m liking it.

In the past, any time I dove into something — whether it be a class or a fun project — I had to excel. I couldn’t settle for anything less than giving my very best. It didn’t matter if achieving my goal meant late nights and being away from my family. I could justify it. And truthfully, now that I’m thinking about it? It was hard. And it often took the fun out of whatever it was I was trying to do. I’m starting to wonder if by trying to be first in line to jump aboard I’d missed the boat while focusing on the horizon.

When it came to preparing for a test for example, I typically would have a study schedule planned out and would have done all sorts of practice exams and taken all sorts of notes. I’d have condensed the most important information onto a 2 – 3 page cram sheet that I would carry around with me for days, reading through it at every opportunity.

However, I for the last test I had scheduled I found myself procrastinating and basically waited until the last minute to start studying. The night before the test I did your classic all-night cram (well, ok, I put in 2 – 3 hours.) For some reason studying just didn’t appeal to me. I was tired. I lacked my normal drive and found it difficult to drum up any enthusiasm. I honestly didn’t really care how I did, as long as I passed. And while I couldn’t just completely blow it off, I really didn’t knock myself out. So NOT me.

I ended up with a score of 102. Highest grade in the class.

Hmmm. What’s that all about?

So when the date for the exam I took today started creeping up on me and I found myself again lacking any interest in studying I figured I’d do the same thing I did last time. I’d just put it off until the night before the test and just do a massive study session.

But last night rolled around and while I had good intentions, life got in the way. Long story short, my son wanted to borrow our treadmill and needed our help moving it from our house to his. So he came down and we got into the whole moving thing. I was getting a little anxious because I knew I hadn’t gotten any study time in yet but when my hubby suggested I drive with him so I could see our grandson I wasn’t about to miss the chance to spend a little extra time with the baby. Once we got to their house, it was time to get William’s jammies on and have a little before bed playtime.

It was the absolute best. Any thoughts of veins and blood collection went right out the window as we cuddled and played and listened to William laugh and play peek-a-boo. It was a magical time that I felt so privileged to be able to share with him.

When we got home it was time for one of our favorite shows to come on. I decided that I’d watch it with my hubby and THEN I’d hit the books. But — no surprise — when LOST was over, the last thing I wanted to do was exam prep. I was tired. I made a feeble attempt at going over the review sheet before saying “the heck with this” and going to bed.

Thinking I’d get up early and do my studying before class, I set my alarm. But when it went off at 4:45 a.m. I made an executive decision to just wing it and rewarded myself with an extra 1 1/2 hours of sleep. It was heavenly!

Driving to the hospital for class I started to wonder if something was wrong with me. I was calm. Instead of frantically trying to recite all the stuff I’d memorized I found myself thinking back to the wonderful evening I’d had playing with William the night before. My attitude was one of just doing the best I could and letting that be enough rather than my typical anxiety-ridden pre-exam frenzy.

I liked it.

And guess what? I did just fine on the test. I don’t think I got 102 this time around but I knew the answers to more questions than not. That’s pretty good right? And, holy moly, the world didn’t stop and give me the boot after all.

I’m learning. I’m realizing that it’s okay to lower my standards a bit in order to enjoy the things that really matter. I know that having bedtime with William and watching TV with my hubby are just as important, if not more important than being at the top of the class.

I guess there are lots of ways to win. And I think I’m finally starting to win the “perfectionism” game.

Amen. It certainly has taken me long enough!

Update: I got a call from the program director today and she informed me I scored 103 on the exam (thanks to a few bonus points.) Obviously I’m a pretty good guesser but this also reinforces my realization that I need to believe in myself more and trust what my heart is telling me!

When Life Gets Crazy …

I was just thinking about blog design and how I’m hoping to devote lots of time in the near future to learning the ins and outs of Photoshop so I can try my hand at creating my own headers and backgrounds. Aand it occurred to me that my personal blog — It’s A Paine-FULL Life — still had a New Year’s theme design on it.

And then it occurred to me that I really hadn’t posted there since the holidays. Shame on me! (I know you can’t see my finger wagging but rest assured, it is.)

Sometimes I just get caught up in the busyness of life. And I drop the ball on the things that are really important to me, but still can’t seem to make it to the top of the priority list.

Like blogging.

Not that excuses make any difference at all, but I’ve been attending a training program full time for the past 8 weeks. I decided I needed to take a different direction where work is concerned (a long story that I’ll share some time) and this program seemed like a good choice. And it was. Is. But it’s also exhausting.

It’s not just going to the lab and working 40 hours a week, it’s also the changes in physical and mental energy that are involved. I totally switched gears. I went from one line of work to something completely different. And because it’s such a big change, it’s requiring a whole lot more brain power than I’m used to in order to do something that I’m still somewhat unfamiliar with.

And I’m on my feet all day. That’s tiring too. The end result is I’m coming home exhausted every night, feeling drained and without the energy I need to take care of the house, my family, and ME. Things I really would like to do — like blogging, learning Photoshop, and reading the stacks of books I have piled all over the house — just fall to the wayside.

I want my life back!

Well, to be more precise. I want more energy. I want to be able to do it all. I want to find time to exercise and have some fun. I want my house to be clean and orderly (not that it ever was before, but I still want it!) and I want to have time to spend with my friends and family — all without feeling guilty.

Once I finish this program I’ll be unemployed. And while I’ll be job-hunting (along with thousands of other Americans!) I have to admit I’m looking forward to some down time. Time that I can maybe get my life in order. Time to get myself into a routine that is somewhat balanced, for lack of a better word.

When life gets a little crazy and I feel like there are just too many “dos” and not enough “dones” on my list, it helps to look ahead and know there will be a chance to take a breath. I’m excited that my next breath is only a few weeks away. It can’t get here quickly enough as far as I’m concerned.

Look for more posts in the future. I’m planning to devote my evenings this week to studying for my last exam and then next week to just being lazy. Then hopefully, I’ll feel refreshed and ready to go come March 16th when I have some days to myself. The “to do” list is long with projects that have been put on the back burner for WAY too long and I’m hoping to be unemployed just long enough to get to them all!