I find it remarkable how a bunch of pages with time blocks and a few empty lines can make such a difference in how my time is spent. I’m so much less scattered, on top of things, and most of all relaxed when I have everything written down. More relaxed … isn’t that telling?

Yes, I like structure. I like organization. I like to know where I am supposed to be at any given time and I like to know when I can crash on the couch and vegetate (and for how long.)

How have I managed to live without my timekeeper for so long?

The big question now is — will I be able to even find one since it’s no longer prime calendar season? And perhaps even more important — will I get a discount since 2 1/2 months of the year are already gone?

Wishful thinking

There are so many things that we wish we had done yesterday, so few that we feel like doing today
~ Mignon McLaughlin

This is SO me! I’m perpetually in the “why didn’t I ___  when I had the chance” (fill in the blank – make that call, clean that bathroom, send out that birthday card …) mode and yet at the very same moment, I’m always able to find some wonderful excuse for not completing the task I was wishing I had already completed now that I have the time once again.

Whoa. That was quite a sentence, if you can even call it one. I’m not even sure it makes sense

The point is I’m always kicking myself for not making better use of my time when I have the chance to. However, no matter how sore by behind becomes, I seem to just keep flitting my time away with senseless or, perhaps better stated, non-productive tasks.

There must be a way to change my modus operandi and be more productive. I’m tired of looking back at my day and feeling as though I could have accomplished more if only I’d been more organized, inspired, motivated, energenic … whatever it was that was missing when the opportunity to be productive presented itself.

I did read a book quite a while ago called Following Through: A Revolutionary New Model For Finishing Whatever You Start. It was written by S. Levenson (although it now seems to be reprinted and available with co-author Pete Greider listed as the main author) and it was one of those books that just made sense. If you’re a procrastinator like me, I’m sure as you read through this book you’ll find yourself saying, “Yes, that’s exactly what I need to do.” And you might even find yourself incorporating some of the ideas that are shared in the book and make some real headway into becoming more productive and time efficient.

Yet, here I am looking at a quote that is ringing true very loudly and without end.

I think it’s time to bring out my EFT training and add this to my list of things to work on. If anything can help me to get to the root of why I behave the way I do, help me to stop the self-sabotage that seems to be impeding my progress, and pave the way to permanent change, it’s EFT.

I’ve already got a few things on my self-improvement list that I need to get to before I tackle this one but I thought I’d mention it (read that put it in writing so I can’t renege on it) while I was thinking about it. Especially since that quote crossed my path today! It must have some relevance for my life to have appeared when it did and to have caught my notice.

I’ll be blogging about my progress as I work on different self-improvement issues. And if I come up with any helpful resources along the way, I’ll be sure to pass those along as well.

I’m off to do … well, something.

I’ve been seeing the “ugly” side of working with lots of different personalities (there’s a lot more back-stabbing, gossiping, and nastiness taking place than I ever realized and “CYA” definitely seems to be the most important job strategy being employed in this dog-eat-dog work environment.)

And the drama … between the employees I’ve been working with and the students I attend class with, there just doesn’t seem to be an end to the life problems that I’m being exposed to (stuff that sheltered little ‘ole me has only read about in newspaper reports of local trial proceedings.)

And today I also got to see with my own eyes what happens when you are an employee in the healthcare field and are accused of breaching patient confidentiality. Imagining what it must feel like to be called in to a meeting with the department supervisor and an HR rep to discuss the future of your employment is really beyond my ability. And it scares me to think how innocently it all happened (at least from the employee’s point of view who claimed that the complaint was all a huge misunderstanding and she never passed on the information that she was accused of passing on.)

Did I mention that I was also asked to come in and interview for a job this Thursday?

I question whether the meager paycheck is going to be worth the negative exposure and the stressful day-to-day concerns that will need to be constantly in the forefront of my thoughts. It scares the daylights out of me. And I honestly wonder if I am up to it, can handle it, or should even consider doing this kind of work. Is this what I want my life to be like?

At the same time, I know I need to work. I know I need to contribute to the household income. I know that I should feel totally honored to be invited to interview for a job that so many would be thrilled to have. Especially in this economy.

So what’s the problem?

It just doesn’t feel right. And I’m so tired of living a life that doesn’t feel right.

I need to find a way to believe that I know where I’m going and that it’s where I’m supposed to end up. I guess that’s what faith is.

And right now, I need some faith.

“Faith is not believing that God can. It is knowing that God will.”

I’m waiting.

The funny thing is I’m seeing a side of myself I haven ‘t seen before.  I’m realizing that there’s a part of me that is comfortable with not being perfect, that I don’t have to get A on every test. I saw a smidgen of this unique new quality right before the last exam but before that, this part of me was a complete stranger. Realizing that I don’t have to know every answer and be prepared for any possible question that might come up has become so … well … liberating!

I seem to finally be reconciled with the fact that it’s ok not to be perfect (perfectly imperfect my friend Sarah would say.) I’m feeling comfortable with it being just fine to “miss a few” and that it’s more than enough to be good enough.

And oh … I’m liking it.

In the past, any time I dove into something — whether it be a class or a fun project — I had to excel. I couldn’t settle for anything less than giving my very best. It didn’t matter if achieving my goal meant late nights and being away from my family. I could justify it. And truthfully, now that I’m thinking about it? It was hard. And it often took the fun out of whatever it was I was trying to do. I’m starting to wonder if by trying to be first in line to jump aboard I’d missed the boat while focusing on the horizon.

When it came to preparing for a test for example, I typically would have a study schedule planned out and would have done all sorts of practice exams and taken all sorts of notes. I’d have condensed the most important information onto a 2 – 3 page cram sheet that I would carry around with me for days, reading through it at every opportunity.

However, I for the last test I had scheduled I found myself procrastinating and basically waited until the last minute to start studying. The night before the test I did your classic all-night cram (well, ok, I put in 2 – 3 hours.) For some reason studying just didn’t appeal to me. I was tired. I lacked my normal drive and found it difficult to drum up any enthusiasm. I honestly didn’t really care how I did, as long as I passed. And while I couldn’t just completely blow it off, I really didn’t knock myself out. So NOT me.

I ended up with a score of 102. Highest grade in the class.

Hmmm. What’s that all about?

So when the date for the exam I took today started creeping up on me and I found myself again lacking any interest in studying I figured I’d do the same thing I did last time. I’d just put it off until the night before the test and just do a massive study session.

But last night rolled around and while I had good intentions, life got in the way. Long story short, my son wanted to borrow our treadmill and needed our help moving it from our house to his. So he came down and we got into the whole moving thing. I was getting a little anxious because I knew I hadn’t gotten any study time in yet but when my hubby suggested I drive with him so I could see our grandson I wasn’t about to miss the chance to spend a little extra time with the baby. Once we got to their house, it was time to get William’s jammies on and have a little before bed playtime.

It was the absolute best. Any thoughts of veins and blood collection went right out the window as we cuddled and played and listened to William laugh and play peek-a-boo. It was a magical time that I felt so privileged to be able to share with him.

When we got home it was time for one of our favorite shows to come on. I decided that I’d watch it with my hubby and THEN I’d hit the books. But — no surprise — when LOST was over, the last thing I wanted to do was exam prep. I was tired. I made a feeble attempt at going over the review sheet before saying “the heck with this” and going to bed.

Thinking I’d get up early and do my studying before class, I set my alarm. But when it went off at 4:45 a.m. I made an executive decision to just wing it and rewarded myself with an extra 1 1/2 hours of sleep. It was heavenly!

Driving to the hospital for class I started to wonder if something was wrong with me. I was calm. Instead of frantically trying to recite all the stuff I’d memorized I found myself thinking back to the wonderful evening I’d had playing with William the night before. My attitude was one of just doing the best I could and letting that be enough rather than my typical anxiety-ridden pre-exam frenzy.

I liked it.

And guess what? I did just fine on the test. I don’t think I got 102 this time around but I knew the answers to more questions than not. That’s pretty good right? And, holy moly, the world didn’t stop and give me the boot after all.

I’m learning. I’m realizing that it’s okay to lower my standards a bit in order to enjoy the things that really matter. I know that having bedtime with William and watching TV with my hubby are just as important, if not more important than being at the top of the class.

I guess there are lots of ways to win. And I think I’m finally starting to win the “perfectionism” game.

Amen. It certainly has taken me long enough!

Update: I got a call from the program director today and she informed me I scored 103 on the exam (thanks to a few bonus points.) Obviously I’m a pretty good guesser but this also reinforces my realization that I need to believe in myself more and trust what my heart is telling me!

And then it occurred to me that I really hadn’t posted there since the holidays. Shame on me! (I know you can’t see my finger wagging but rest assured, it is.)

Sometimes I just get caught up in the busyness of life. And I drop the ball on the things that are really important to me, but still can’t seem to make it to the top of the priority list.

Like blogging.

Not that excuses make any difference at all, but I’ve been attending a training program full time for the past 8 weeks. I decided I needed to take a different direction where work is concerned (a long story that I’ll share some time) and this program seemed like a good choice. And it was. Is. But it’s also exhausting.

It’s not just going to the lab and working 40 hours a week, it’s also the changes in physical and mental energy that are involved. I totally switched gears. I went from one line of work to something completely different. And because it’s such a big change, it’s requiring a whole lot more brain power than I’m used to in order to do something that I’m still somewhat unfamiliar with.

And I’m on my feet all day. That’s tiring too. The end result is I’m coming home exhausted every night, feeling drained and without the energy I need to take care of the house, my family, and ME. Things I really would like to do — like blogging, learning Photoshop, and reading the stacks of books I have piled all over the house — just fall to the wayside.

I want my life back!

Well, to be more precise. I want more energy. I want to be able to do it all. I want to find time to exercise and have some fun. I want my house to be clean and orderly (not that it ever was before, but I still want it!) and I want to have time to spend with my friends and family — all without feeling guilty.

Once I finish this program I’ll be unemployed. And while I’ll be job-hunting (along with thousands of other Americans!) I have to admit I’m looking forward to some down time. Time that I can maybe get my life in order. Time to get myself into a routine that is somewhat balanced, for lack of a better word.

When life gets a little crazy and I feel like there are just too many “dos” and not enough “dones” on my list, it helps to look ahead and know there will be a chance to take a breath. I’m excited that my next breath is only a few weeks away. It can’t get here quickly enough as far as I’m concerned.

Look for more posts in the future. I’m planning to devote my evenings this week to studying for my last exam and then next week to just being lazy. Then hopefully, I’ll feel refreshed and ready to go come March 16th when I have some days to myself. The “to do” list is long with projects that have been put on the back burner for WAY too long and I’m hoping to be unemployed just long enough to get to them all!

Remember how sad and overwhelmed you were this morning? Remember how you felt like you were in such a rut and nothing seemed to be going your way? Remember how you *finally* turned to God about all the “stuff” going on in your life that’s been making you feel so helpless, hopeless,  and out of control?

It’s rather amazing what God can do if we’ll just get out of the way, isn’t it? He can do wonders if we lay the problems at His feet and then step back and say, “I trust you. I know you want only the best for me. I know you know what I need (even before I do) and the best way to provide for me. So Father, it’s all yours.”

I know that one of the areas I need to work on is believing that God wants to provide for my needs. It’s sad that I try to micromanage everything and stick my nose into everything, even being foolish enough to try to dicate the how and when of it all.

And now — look what He was able to accomplish — without your help I might add. Your needs were met (abundantly) and your cares lifted.

What an AWESOME God!!

First, we had to change our plans a bit and instead of going to The Korean House for dinner, we went to Young’s Korean Restaurant. As it turns out, they are practically across the street from one another and I guess it was just our good fortune that The Korean House was closed to the public last night due to a private wedding party.

I’m sure that gives you a heads up about what’s to follow — I LOVED Young’s Korean Restaurant! We had such a great experience. Our waitress, believe it or not, mentioned how we all look familiar and as it turns out, she works at the post office that is right up the road from where we live! She willingly gave us some great suggestions and information that explained the menu to us a bit better and we were all able to make dinner choices that we enjoyed. (In fact, I brought a little box home filled with yummy leftovers and just had it for breakfast!) On top of that, she had a great sense of humor and kept us laughing

David and I both decided to have … argh. I can’t remember what it’s called in Korean. But it was basically a stir fry filled with meat and veggies and served in a spicy sauce — mine had chicken and David’s had shrimp. Mary had a beef dish that she thought was terrific and Markie had a seafood “pancake” that was fantastic! (We all shared a bit.) Everything seemed so fresh. 

We had a great time having a cup of hot tea and sampling all the banach — various side dishes such as kim chee, spicy cucumbers, fish cakes, tofu, bean sprouts — that were served before our meals were brought out.

Of course, the fun part was watching us all trying to use chopsticks. Mary had a little bit of experience having spent some time in Japan when she was younger and Mark seemed to know what he was doing. David seemed to be holding his own as well. Me? Well, I figured it was going to be one of the longest dinners of my life! I don’t remember another time when I honestly wondered if my fingers were working against me

I hated to be the one to give in and ask for a fork, but eventually when our waitress came to check on us and I responded by asking how late they were open she took my hint and brought us all forks. As much as that was a relief, I was so glad that I gave the chopsticks a try. I secretly plan to keep working on perfecting (ok — improving) my abilities at home so I can WOW everybody next time we venture out for Asian cuisine.

Once we’d all finished our dinners, we headed back to our house and celebrated my upcoming birthday. Actually, our evening started out with a birthday treat — Daisies!!! Mark and Mary took special notice of my “25 Random Things About Me” post and surprised me with a huge bouquet of my favorite flowers.

Then — also noticing that I mentioned how much I love Mounds bars — Mary made me a Mounds Bar Cake! To say “simply delicious” is an understatement. And how touching to think that she took the time to go on the internet, search to see if she could find a “mounds-like” dessert and then to take the time to make it! I felt especially — well — special

And then — there were gifts! Yes-indeedy. Mark and Mary never miss an opportunity to amaze me. This next part needs a little bit of set-up since I’m sure most people aren’t aware of my love for the comic strip “For Better or For Worse”.

A couple of years ago, knowing how much I loved the comic strip and my admiration for its creator, Lynn Johnston,  Mary sent a birthday card to Lynn asking her to sign the card as a special treat for my birthday. Lynn went above and beyond and actually drew a personalized message to me (which I have since framed in a memory box along with pictures of me opening the gift, a copy of the letter Mary sent her, etc.) It was a thrill that I thought could not be matched.

Well — think again Barbara. To my absolute delight, Mark and Mary gave me a copy of Lynn’s book “The Big 5-0″ with — yep! — a personal wish from Lynn for a happy 50th birthday and another drawing on the opening page of the book.

How could anyone be so blessed?

Well, now that I’ve shared all the highlights of the evening, I should probably mention a few other fun things that happened as well.

Throughout the evening we were entertained with frequent text messages (that seemed to come at very appropriate times now that I think about it) that kept us informed about the much-anticipated arrival of Mark and Mary’s new grandson. (As of this moment, I understand that Tammy is pushing and Joseph’s arrival is imminent!)

And — we planned out several fun adventures for the coming year that will keep The A-Team busy, busy, busy as we discover Rochester and take in the sites, sounds, and culture of our hometown.

What a wonderful evening. Great friends, great food, great gifts, and the promise of more fun in the future. Doesn’t get much better than that!

This weekend arrived with a foot of snow that officially brought the Spring-like weather we’d been experiencing here in Western New York to an end. No matter. I have plenty of things in store for today!

While the house needs cleaning and the laundry has gotten backed up (again) I’m planning to squeeze in a little bit of reading time with a trip to the library and then a grocery store run.

We have plans to go out to dinner with our friends Mark and Mary (otherwise known as “The A-Team”) to a Korean restaurant called … well … The Korean House. This should be a fun experience as we get a chance to sample the cuisine native to our daughter’s birth country and where my hubby will be spending a month or so for work later this year.

Afterwards we’re going to come back to our house (hence the need to clean) for dessert, a 2009 A-Team Adventure planning session, and then, possibly, a rousing game of Dominoes. Might sound like a dull evening to some, but for us it will be a blast.

Hubby and I may, however, be forced to resort to Plan B should Mark and Mary’s new grandson decide to make an appearance today.

I’m hoping to post a review of the restaurant from a complete newbie to Korean food perspective sometime tomorrow — so stay tuned.

P.S. If anyone has any great suggestions on food we should be sure to order — please leave a comment asap! Thanks

One stands out and while I keep trying to push past it, this one keeps finding its way back to the front of the line. I suppose I’m meant to give it a little extra “processing” time.

I tend to think that the people who cross my path each day are meant to teach me something. It’s not that each and every person I encounter has a divine purpose in my life (but now that I think about it, why would God waste any opportunity to make a point, bring home a message, teach me something He’d like me to know? Perhaps I am *ahem* underestimating God — again?)

Anyway, back to my point — I believe that MANY of the people who cross my path do so for a very definite reason. And now, I find myself trying to figure out what I was supposed to learn from this one particular man that came in today for a blood draw.

He didn’t really stand out. He didn’t have a distinctive look, he didn’t walk with a limp or seem disabled in any way (as so many of our patients do). I couldn’t begin to tell you what he looked like (well, beyond dark hair, thin, tall …) but I remember he was wearing a blue sweatshirt. What I do recall is that he seemed nervous. More than most (but certainly not as much as some.) I guess I’m saying he was just a typical patient — nothing outwardly “special” about him that would signal to me that I should be expecting what was to come. Or that he might be there to teach me something.

He sat down in the chair that we use for drawing blood. As I lowered the armrest in front of him I saw him kind of wince. “That’s strange,” I thought but that was the extent of my notice.

I made small talk — or tried to — as I took down his identifying information and readied my supplies. Are the roads any better than they were this morning? Was he on his lunch break? Looking forward to the weekend? Any special plans?

He wasn’t the talkative type, giving just short one word answers, so I decided to just go about my business and finish up as quickly as possible so he (and I) could move on.

Definitely nothing special about this guy.

I was just about to re-apply the tourniquet when I noticed he had turned his face into his shoulder. I hadn’t even started the blood draw yet. And he was shaking ever so slightly.

Uh oh. Was he going to be a fainter? Should I call Lois in and have her there to assist — just in case? Maybe I was over-reacting and he was simply one of those people who just hates needles  …

Something told me it wasn’t going to be necessary, but of course, I asked him if he was all right. “Sir — are you okay? Would you like to lie down?” By now just about all the color had drained from his face and the fist I’d asked him to make was turning his knuckles white.

“I’m fine — I just want to get this over with. Can we just get this over with?” he asked. His voice let on that he was a bit annoyed at my concern and the delay it was creating. Of course, now I’m thinking that he probably IS a fainter and is hoping if I hurry up, he won’t have time to faint and he’ll be able to escape the embarrassment of it all. 

“Of course,” I said. “Just try to relax and we’ll be finished in just a couple of seconds.”

I glanced out into the main drawing area and caught the eye of Lois, our lead phlebotomist. She saw my head give a little jerk towards the patient and knew immediately that I was signaling I might need her help in some way. She silently stepped into the room as I drew the man’s blood … filling up the tubes as quickly as I could. It didn’t take much — with his blood pressure as high as I suspect it was, the tubes filled up in record time and before I knew it, my security blanket (Lois) had stepped back out of the room, the danger seemingly over, and I was processing the specimens.

I was ready to tape him up and send him on his way, thankful he hadn’t fainted, thinking he was probably just another Nervous Nelly that hated having their blood drawn and nothing more. Situation under control. Phew!

But now as I turned my attention back to him once more I realized he was still just as tense as he was before the draw. His fist had reclenched. He seemed like he was in another place. 

“Sir — are you okay?” I was wishing Lois hadn’t left the room so quickly.

Silence.

“Sir?” Trying to get his attention and a better handle about what was going on, I placed my hand on his ice cold fist and again asked if he was okay. Finally …

“I used to be a junkie …”  Almost a confession, his words slipped out and I wasn’t even sure he meant for me to hear them. But I did. And I understood.

Coming in for bloodwork had been a trip down Memory Lane … which could be found in the city of Pure Hell. In my sheltered little world, it had never occured to me what it must be like for people who’ve left a life of drug use behind to have a needle stuck in their arm. What was he trying to hide from as he pushed his face into his sleeve? I can’t help but wonder but realize I’ll never know. And I really don’t even want to imagine.

I patted his arm (I’m a patter — it happens before I even realize it and seems to be a habit I can’t break …) and simply said, “We’re all done … you’re all set.” As I lifted the armrest he practically jumped out of the chair. “You did great …” I offered.

He acknowledged my comment with an ever-so-slight nod of his head but without any form of eye contact – and then he was gone.

So many thoughts ran through my head at once — Why hadn’t I realized he’d been a junkie? What could I have done differently? What had this man’s life been like? Did I say the right thing? Was he going to be okay?

I started to kick myself a bit as I reflected on my actions. I acquiesed that I’d been just a tad bit annoyed when the man hadn’t returned my cheerful chatter or attempts to build rapport and help him relax. Admittedly my decision to speed things up as he requested was as much for my own benefit as it was for his. After all — if he wasn’t going to make an attempt at being pleasant, why should I?

The next patient had already appeared and I abandoned the entire discussion to the back of my mind as I moved on with my day. It wasn’t until just a few minutes ago that I’d taken the time to think about it again.

It occurs to me now that God wanted to use this man and his circumstances to teach me a lesson. Perhaps He wanted to remind me that we can never truly understand exactly what another person is going through. We can’t read minds and can’t possibly know all the circumstances that enter into a person’s actions. Maybe this man crossed my path today to remind me to be compassionate whether I think the situation (or person) warrants it or not.  

It occurs to me that I sometimes take it personally if someone doesn’t respond to my attempts at small talk and I sheepishly admit I sometimes assume they just aren’t very sociable or pleasant — and I give up on them. I somehow make it all about me.

God wants me to make it all about them.

As I sit here now, growing sleepy again and wanting to go back to bed, I lift up a prayer for the man that crossed my path and served as a reminder that everyone has a different story, everyone has a purpose to their lives, everyone can (and will) be used by God in wondrous, even if seemingly very small, ways.

And once again, I am blessed.

It seems like the grumpies appear out of nowhere. I’ll be going along, just fine and dandy and then — BAM! I’m hit with a streak of cynicism that just won’t quit. And of course, I don’t dare start doing my Oscar the Grouch impersonation for the whole world to see so what do I do? I stuff it. I try to carry on as if I’m happy as a lark. But — I’m not. And I’m not that good of an actress either.

I think part of the problem is that I don’t address upsets quickly enough. I keep trying to push them aside, planning to deal with “whatever” when I’m alone and have time to think things through. But as the day wears on and the issues go unaddressed I only become more miserable. So clearly, that doesn’t work.

Now I don’t want to make it sound like these crabby moods come around on a regular basis. They don’t. I’d say maybe once every couple of weeks — if that. But when the bad mood shows up, it sticks around a tad bit too long.

I’ve had a little time to think about this today since I stayed home nursing an aching body and a splitting headache — and yes, I got a bit cranky about not feeling well. But hanging out on the couch gave me a chance to make a few decisions and I’m going to give this a try the next time I feel a case of the grumpies about to erupt.

First — I’m going to acknowledge that I’m feeling a little out of sorts. And once I’ve done that I’m going to take a couple minutes and try to figure out what’s causing this to happen. Did someone say something that bothered me? Did I do something that I’m wishing I hadn’t? I’m going to try to figure out exactly what’s wrong so hopefully I can nip it in the bud.

Second — I’m going to try to address whatever it is that’s setting me off. Maybe I need to be more honest with myself or with those around me about how things make me feel. Maybe I need to try to fix a mistake or right a wrong. Maybe I just need to take a deep breath and forgive myself (or whoever might need forgiving) and let it go.

Third — I’m going to remind myself that doing a little EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) does wonders. A couple rounds of tapping can really take the edge off and help turn my mood around. And it really incorporates both steps one and two in the process. Nice.

Fourth – If I’m still not feeling like my normal happy self, I’m going to give myself five minutes to sulk, pout, or complain — whatever it takes to get whatever is bugging me out of my system. But when the five minutes are up — that’s it. It’s time to let it go and move forward.

Now I don’t know if this plan is going to work but I suspect it will certainly be a step in the right direction. I really hate to let a crabby mood ruin my day, not to mention the damper it puts on those who have to put up with me.

Honestly, I feel better already. Just having a plan of attack seems to lighten my mood and make me feel brighter.

I’d love to know what you do when you feel out of sorts. How do you turn it around? Go ahead and share your best tips in the comment section!